


Hot & Cold

by neoguri



Series: ZiKyung [1]
Category: Block B
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Banter, Best Friends, Cuddling & Snuggling, Dorms, Drama, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Abuse, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-24
Updated: 2019-01-24
Packaged: 2019-10-15 18:57:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17534393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neoguri/pseuds/neoguri
Summary: Kyung keeps giving and Jiho keeps taking. An explanation is due. And an apology.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> just some angsty, sensitive gays

_Hey. Jaehyo just left for dinner._

Jiho swiveled back and forth in his chair, wondering how to respond to the text. It had been a long time since he and Kyung had been alone in the dorm together. But Jiho was exhausted and frankly, a bit of a mess. He'd just come back from a fourteen-hour day at the studio. Not the longest he'd spent there, but today had been particularly draining.

Jiho glanced at his reflection in the blank screen of his phone and made a face. He flicked open the chat with Kyung and typed out _, I'm disgusting. Find something else to do._

Kyung didn't reply. Jiho sighed and slumped down in his chair, dragging his hands down his face. So tired. He needed to shower. Or go to bed. He didn't have the energy to do either.

His phone bleeped and he glanced at the chat. It was a video. Still rubbing one eye with his palm, Jiho played it. Kyung was wearing eyeliner. And lipstick. And red eyeshadow. That was weird. He hardly ever wore makeup around the dorm. Kyung winked at him, and then flipped the camera around. Jiho almost choked. Kyung stretched out his pale legs and tugged at his short black skirt, pulling it back down so it covered his underwear again. The video ended, and Kyung instantly deleted it from their chat.

_Am I pretty?_  he wrote.

Jiho just stared at his phone for a moment, wondering why Satan had decided to pick on him today.

_You don't want me_ , he finally replied.  _I smell like dead cat._

_I have perfume._

Kyung was sending emojis with each message. That's how Jiho knew he was screwed. The only other time Kyung had sent him that many emojis was the night after their skit on SNL. That night, resisting Kyung had been like trying to move a glacier. Damn near impossible. And sweaty work.

_Fuck you,_  Jiho wrote.

Kyung sent several tongue emojis, along with a few sweat drops and the words,  _Yes, please._

_I'm coming,_  he wrote _. Calm yourself._  Jiho dropped his phone on his desk and frantically began searching through his dresser for something that could even come close to what Kyung was wearing. All he had was t-shirts and jeans. He didn't even have time to put on proper eyeliner. After a moment's agonizing, he finally stripped off his studio clothes and wriggled into an old pair of black jeans and a plain gray t-shirt. Knowing Kyung, things would get messy, and fast.

His phone bleeped again just as he was about to push open his bedroom door. He turned round, glancing at the message. This time, Kyung had sent a few crying faces and a pacifier. That wasn't good.

Jiho tried to calm himself down as he strode out into the hallway, toward Kyung's dorm. His heart was beating fast. He had no idea what Kyung was planning, but whatever it was, it either excited him or scared him. And at this point he wasn't sure which. He always got nervous when Kyung showed him affection, but this was another story entirely.

Kyung's bedroom was just down the hall. Jiho hesitated at the door, then when he didn't hear a single sound from within, knocked three times. He waited. He knocked again. Finally he turned the doorknob and stepped inside.

The room was completely clean and organized. Clothes put away, books on the shelf, mini studio space neat and tidy. Kyung was laying on his stomach on the bed, kicking his legs back and forth and texting frantically on his phone. The skirt was so short it barely covered his ass. He wasn't even wearing a shirt. Just a bit of leather that wrapped round his waist, squeezing it tight, that connected to a thick collar around his neck.

"Damn, Kyungie," Jiho said. "Where'd you get all that?"

Kyung didn't even acknowledge him. He kept texting, humming to himself. Jiho watched in a mixture of horror and amusement as Kyung paused, then held out his phone and took a selfie, before returning to his text.

"Hello?" Jiho said. "Anyone home?" He slammed the door behind him and locked it. "I came all this way and you're just going to ignore me?"

"Get over yourself," Kyung said happily.

Jiho scoffed in disbelief. "Whatever. I'm going to take a shower."

"Okay," Kyung said. "See you."

Jiho stood rooted to the ground. "You called my bluff."

Kyung raised an eyebrow, a smile slowly curving across his face. He set down his phone and then rolled over onto his side, propping his elbow up on the bed.

"Don't you just hate it?" he asked.

"Hate what? You?" Jiho said. "By now, yeah, I do."

"No," Kyung said. His smile grew broader, and he twisted over onto his back, stretching out so the leather pulled tight across the center of his chest. "You can't control me. Doesn't that just make you angry?"

"Did you pierce your tits?" Jiho interrupted.

Kyung giggled and covered his chest with his hands. "No," he said. "You have such weird fantasies about me."

"Must've hurt," Jiho said. "I've never had the balls to do that."

Kyung sat up, still holding his arms to his chest, and folded his legs underneath him so the skirt fanned out across his thighs. "Didn't hurt," he said. "Felt kinda nice, actually."

"You're a freak," Jiho said.

Kyung pouted. "I can't hear you," he said. "Come closer. You're too far away." He patted the bed beside him, then pulled the blankets up to his neck to cover himself up.

Jiho strode over and hopped up on the bed, sitting cross-legged with his back to the wall. Kyung immediately climbed into his lap, pulling the blankets with him, till he was entirely cocooned in black cotton.

"I said, you're a freak," Jiho told him.

Kyung snuggled closer, laying his head on Jiho's shoulder. "Then what does that make you?"

Jiho snorted. "Fair point."

"What do you want to do tonight?" Kyung asked.

Jiho glanced down at him. Kyung seemed so small in his lap, curled up with his bare feet digging into the bed. He'd even painted his toenails black. Kyung looked back up at him and grinned that huge, toothy grin, squeezing his eyes shut.

"I'd hate to disappoint you," Jiho said, "after you got all made up."

Kyung pressed his face into Jiho's neck, squeezing him around the waist so tight that Jiho thought his ribs might snap.

"I was hoping you'd say that," Kyung hummed. "It took me two hours to get this right."

"Two hours?" Jiho demanded. "What is it, my birthday?

"No," Kyung said. "I just wanted to surprise you. You've been working so hard. You need a night to relax."

"Kyungie, we'll be doing anything but relaxing," Jiho said.

"If you say so." Kyung began to slowly tug off the blanket. First off one shoulder, then the other. Jiho bent down, pressed his lips to Kyung's forehead.

"You're so skinny," Jiho said. "Have you been eating?"

"Uh-huh," Kyung said. "Lots. I had three burgers today."

Jiho laughed and nibbled a bit on the end of Kyung's nose. "You're lying."

"Am not!" Kyung swatted at his face. "And then I had pocky."

"Without me?" Jiho said.

"Of course, you think I'm gonna share?" Kyung threw the sheet on the floor. Jiho bent down even further, scooping him up in his arms, and kissed his collarbone. Kyung giggled, rearranged himself, and pressed down so hard on Jiho's crotch that Jiho yelped and grabbed onto Kyung's shoulders, digging his fingers into his skin.

"What?" Kyung asked. The mischief was obvious in his voice.

"You can't do that," Jiho said lamely.

"I can do whatever I want," Kyung said. "I barely even touched you, Jiho-yah. You're just sensitive today."

"So what if I am?" Jiho demanded. "Take it easy on me. I just want to cuddle for a while."

"Fine," Kyung huffed. He rearranged himself so he put less pressure on Jiho's hips. "Have you seen the new episode of Gravity Falls? They just released it last week."

"No," Jiho said. "Don't have time for that."

"I get it," Kyung said. "I've heard it's good, though. Do you wanna watch it?"

"Maybe later," Jiho said. He stroked Kyung's leg slowly, not in a sexual way, but simply familiar, comforting. Kyung lay against him and, after a moment, Jiho collapsed backwards on the bed and let Kyung stretch out on top of him. Kyung pulled the covers up over them both.

"I like your face," Kyung informed him, propping himself up on Jiho's chest. Jiho choked and shifted Kyung's elbows out from between his ribs.

"Watch where you're putting those," Jiho said.

Kyung slipped sideways off his body, then attached himself to Jiho like a koala to the side of a tree. He nestled his head into Jiho's armpit, and made a soft sound of contentment.

"You're being weird," Jiho said. "Even for you." He twisted over on his side so he was face to face with Kyung, their noses almost touching. Kyung's eyes were closed and a faint smile twisted his lips. When Jiho faced him, Kyung tilted his chin up and kissed him wetly.

"I miss you," Kyung said around the kiss. "I miss you so much."

Jiho shoved at Kyung's chest. "Aish! I spent all week with you!"

"Yeah, in the studio," Kyung said, shoving him back. "You love music more than you love me."

"That's not true," Jiho said.

"Is too," Kyung said. He pushed Jiho away, then wriggled out from under the covers and sat up on the bed, ready to slide off. "I'm gonna go read a book."

"Like hell you are," Jiho said. Before Kyung could even move, Jiho grabbed him around the waist from behind and pulled him back onto the bed, then into his lap again. Kyung squirmed, giggling.

"Jiho-yah," he said. "Stop. You're tickling me."

"Hm?" Jiho took Kyung's chin in one hand and tilted his head up and back, laying Kyung's head on his shoulder so that Kyung was forced to look up, into his face. "You like being tickled?" He slipped his other hand from Kyung's waist across the front of the boy's stomach, spreading his fingers out across his tummy. Kyung squirmed again, laughing, but Jiho held him so tight that he couldn't move.

"Jiho, stop it, I'm serious," he said.

"You don't sound serious," Jiho whispered, and his breath ruffled Kyung's eyelashes. "You're laughing." His fingers played across Kyung's stomach, then slipped up under the leather strap to run along his ribs. Kyung yelped, his back arching as he tried to roll out of Jiho's lap.

"Stop it!" Kyung was laughing so hard that he was breathless, his eyes filling with tears. He tried to force Jiho's hands away but the effort was only for show at this point. Jiho traced along the curve of Kyung's ribcage with his fingers, holding Kyung's head steady against his shoulder. Slowly Jiho's hand traveled up Kyung's chest and then stopped, the pad of his thumb against his nipple. Kyung froze. Made some strangled noise in the back of his throat.

"Jiho." Kyung's voice was high, frantic. "I thought you said - I thought we just -"

"Hush," Jiho said, low and soft, letting his lips brush Kyung's ear. "You said you missed me?"

Kyung nodded, panting, his chest rising and falling heavily under Jiho's hand.

Jiho let his voice drop another octave. "Then prove it to me," he said.

"I wanna top," Kyung whined, so quiet that Jiho could barely hear. "You always top. Let me have a turn."

Jiho took Kyung's piercing in two fingers and began twisting it back and forth slowly. "Sorry," he murmured. "You don't got what it takes."

"I do," Kyung said. His voice was shaking, and Jiho could see his stomach contract with the effort to hold back more involuntary sounds. "I do, Jiho. I do. Let me prove it--"

Jiho twisted the piercing with a sudden flick of his fingers and Kyung's back arched just a little more. He grabbed at Jiho's wrist with claw-like fingers, trying to pull him away. Calmly Jiho tightened his grip on Kyung's neck, forcing his head farther back on his shoulder until Kyung made an impossible noise of terror and delight and dropped his hand to grip Jiho's thigh instead.

"If you're going to top me," Jiho whispered in his ear, "you'll have to pass the test."

Kyung shook his head, licked his lips hard, squeezed his eyes shut. "Jiho, stop. I can't."

Jiho smiled into his ear. "All I've done, Kyungie, is touch this little bit of metal." He let the fingers of his left hand slip across Kyung's jaw, across his cheek, towards his lips, all the while turning his head so his face pressed into Jiho's neck. "It's not that hard."

"Jiho - can't - breathe -"

"Aw, babe." He let up pressure on Kyung's face. Kyung drew in a huge shaky breath against Jiho's neck, choked on his own saliva. Started coughing.

Jiho let go of Kyung's piercing and simply pressed his palm against the boy's chest, then smoothed Kyung's hair back from his face. Kyung was bright red, sweating hard, his skin slick and hot. Jiho continued to stroke his hair as Kyung coughed and tried to catch his breath.

"Damn," Jiho whispered. "I only touched your nipple, Kyungie." He laughed into Kyung's hair, kissing the top of his head. "And you said I was the sensitive one."

"So long," Kyung said. He still couldn't form complete sentences. "Been so long." He swallowed, his Adam's apple pressing down against Jiho's neck. "Also, I choked. That didn't help."

Jiho laughed, and ruffled Kyung's hair a bit at the nape of his neck. Kyung sighed, his body relaxing against Jiho's, growing softer, melting into him.

"Hold me," Kyung murmured.

"Hm?"

"Hold me. Kiss me," Kyung said. "Just be gentle. For a little while."

In response, Jiho withdrew his hand from Kyung's chest and slowly unbuckled the collar from the rest of the leather. He helped Kyung to slip out of it. He laid him back against the pillows.

They looked at each other for a long moment. Jiho, propped on one elbow, gazing into Kyung's soft face. Kyung sprawled on his back, holding on to Jiho's shirt with one finger crooked, his eyes large and a little wet. And Jiho looked down. Realized Kyung's skin was turning red, where he had twisted the piercing.

"I'm sorry," Jiho said.

Kyung smiled faintly. "Not the worst you've done."

In response Jiho bent across him, placed one hand one the other side of Kyung's body. He leaned in. Pressed his lips to Kyung's nipple. Soft. Soothing. Kyung let out a long sigh and wrapped his arms around Jiho, holding him close.

"I love you," Jiho said as his lips left Kyung's chest. "I love you, Kyung."

Kyung made a soft happy noise and wove his fingers into Jiho's hair. "Kiss me," he said again.

So Jiho did. Jiho kissed his chest until his mouth ran dry, finding a new spot every few minutes, trying to cover every inch of Kyung's skin in his love. When the kisses slowed, Kyung drew Jiho's face up level with his own. Their legs entwined, baby-soft skin against the denim of Jiho's jeans. Kyung stared so deep into his eyes that Jiho got dizzy, thinking he might fall forever into that inky blackness, if only he leaned in. He leaned in.

Kyung had never, in his life, kissed Jiho like this. Sometimes, when they were just getting started, the kisses were soft, lazy. Or when things got more heated. Then it was all bites and pain, all for control. Or something in between, when Kyung would spend messy moments just exploring Jiho's mouth with his tongue.

This was none of those. But it felt right. So right that everything else seemed wrong in comparison. Jiho wasn't sure exactly what was so different. This was Kyung's bed. They'd been here too many times to count. Kyung was acting strange today, but Jiho didn't think that was all of it. It was like their first time again. Only Kyung let it happen smoothly this time. Expertly.

Kyung nibbled Jiho's lips a little. Let his hands run through Jiho's hair. Tilted his face to one side, then the other, searching for that perfect angle. Curious, though he'd done this a hundred times before. It took him a while to find the sweet spot today. Partially because Jiho wouldn't let him. Any time he felt the kiss start to stir excitement in his gut, he changed angles. _Slow, slow. Move slower, baby. Slower._

Kyung seemed to get the hint. He slipped his hands up from Jiho's waist, back up to his shoulders. Kyung broke from the kiss for a moment to draw breath. Kissed him again, more wetly this time, but with that same delicate control. His fingers moved under the neck of Jiho's shirt and slipped it off one of his shoulders. His other hand closed around Jiho's neck, his thumb pressing against his windpipe, making it hard to breathe. Jiho wondered if this was on purpose. Wondered if he should tell him. Wondered, and then pushed it from his mind. He trusted Kyung. Even if Kyung decided to hurt him just a little, he would fix everything again before the night was over.

Kyung traced Jiho's tattoos with the fingernails of his left hand. He was working into a rhythm now. That was the great thing about having a musician for a lover - everything had a beat to it. His kisses crossed from one corner of Jiho's mouth to the other. He nipped at Jiho's nose, then at his cheekbone, then kissed him down the side of his face, letting his tongue play across Jiho's skin. It only took Jiho a few moments to catch on to the tempo. He felt the four count playing in his head. A faint melody joined it, akin to something he'd heard on the radio earlier in the week. Only in his mind. Yet it was as if Kyung could hear it too.

Kyung tightened his fingers around Jiho's neck and tilted his head slowly to the side. His lips left Jiho's skin. The trail of saliva turned cold on his face.

Kyung bit Jiho on the neck, just below his ear. In spite of himself Jiho shuddered, shrank back reflexively. The hand on the back of his head pushed him in again. Teeth sank further into Jiho's skin and he whimpered in spite of himself as pain blossomed along his neck. Just when he was wondering whether to push Kyung away, he stopped biting, and it was all wet kisses again, so soft and gentle that Jiho began to wonder if he'd imagined it all.

The next bite came near the base of Jiho's neck, below his Adam's apple. Jiho gasped, fists clenching on the covers of the bed, tears swimming in his eyes at the sudden pain. Kyung rubbed his shoulder softly, ran his fingers through Jiho's hair, every other part of him so incongruently gentle. Kyung bit down harder. Harder.

It was too much. Jiho whimpered a bit, moaned his name. It's enough, Kyungie. Please. Stop, please. Kyung didn't listen. Maybe because Jiho never got the words out at all.

Kyung didn't stop until he broke skin. Drew a drop of blood. He waited till it trickled down to the space between Jiho's collarbones and then pressed his tongue to his neck. He smoothed back Jiho's hair, slipped his hand up under his shirt, rubbed his back in wide circles with his soft, warm palms. Jiho realized that every muscle in his body had gone tense. Kyung was undoing that now. Keeping his mouth pressed to the bite, soothing the spot, letting his tongue wash Jiho's skin.

He gave Jiho's neck one last passionate kiss, then laid his head back on the pillows and with both hands, tugged Jiho's shirt up and over his head. He pulled Jiho down and, for a long moment, Jiho simply laid on top of Kyung, feeling the rise and fall of the boy's chest beneath him, feeling his heartbeat against his. Jiho's was fast. Kyung's was shockingly slow.

"You're a freak," Jiho mumbled.

"You told me," Kyung said in his ear.

"Worth repeating. The fuck was that?"

"That," Kyung said, "was a yummy snack." He laughed, his breath tickling Jiho's ear. "And also, revenge."

"Revenge for what? For your titty?" Jiho twisted over to look Kyung in the face. He couldn't get a good view though. "You fuckin' ate me alive. How is that fair?"

Kyung grinned and all Jiho could see was his huge mouth and all its shiny white teeth. "Make it fair, then. Hurt me." He shifted under Jiho's body till the fabric of the skirt rode up his thighs, bunched under Jiho's hips.

"You don't wanna do that," Jiho said.

Kyung simply kept grinning. "Wanna know what I dreamed about last night?" he asked.

"Does it have anything to do with why you're so horny?"

"Yep," Kyung said.

"Fine." Jiho sat back, making sure to grind into Kyung's hips just a little as he adjusted himself. To his frustration, Kyung didn't even seem to notice. "Tell me all about it."

Kyung placed his hands on Jiho's shoulders and hummed to himself for a moment in that same happy-go-lucky tone. "I dreamed," he said, "that you were fucking me."

"Great," Jiho said with a groan.

"Hear me out," Kyung said, his smile growing wider. "In the middle of the living room. Everybody else was gone. At least, I think so. They might have been watching though."

"God, what a nightmare," Jiho said.

"It gets worse," Kyung said. "I cried through the whole thing. You kind of laughed at me. So I cried some more. You told me boys don't cry."

"I'm a dickhead," Jiho said. "Don't listen to me."

"Shut  _up_ , Jiho-yah. I'm trying to talk. Apparently the whole thing was a test or something. Cuz when I told you that I didn't want you in me, you didn't actually go the whole way. Then I asked why you were being so horrible. And you said, it's good for me to know how to say no to someone who's hurting me. And that you're really sorry. But you wanted to make sure you'd never hurt me without me telling you."

"Well that sounds like a disgusting thing for me to do," Jiho told him.

"I know," Kyung said. "It's dream logic. Doesn't make sense. The point is, once you got all that off your chest, we were even closer because we both trusted each other with our lives."

"Kyung," Jiho said, "I already trust you with my life. Why else do you think I'd let you bite me like that?"

"Oh," Kyung said.

There was a sudden silence, and the longer it stretched, the more uneasy Jiho became. He sat back to look at Kyung, who was staring up at the ceiling, not meeting his eyes.

"Do you trust me, Kyung?" Jiho asked.

Kyung chewed on the inside of his cheek for a moment. Jiho swung his legs off of him, and helped him to sit up. Kyung readjusted the skirt again, seeming to grow suddenly frustrated with how short it was. Finally he kicked it off entirely, leaving him in just his boxers.

"I want to," he said.

"Why don't you?" Jiho asked.

"I don't know." Kyung grabbed his pillow and hugged it to his chest. "It's not you. I just... I have trouble sometimes."

"With what, Kyungie?" Jiho asked softly.

"God, why is this so hard?" Kyung muttered to himself. "I just do. I've been having problems. You know."

"Anxiety?" Jiho asked.

"Yeah," Kyung said. "And... and the other thing." He swallowed. "I thought I was over it but I saw someone who looked like him at the studio and I just. I couldn't."

"Do you want to hold my hand?" Jiho asked.

Kyung shook his head violently. "Not yet."

"I'm sorry," Jiho said.

"It's not your fault."

"I'm still sorry."

Kyung heaved a sigh, and Jiho could see the curve of his ribs and spine under his skin as his body swelled, then contracted again. "I just want it to be normal," Kyung said. "I want to feel safe."

"Are you sure you've been eating?" Jiho whispered.

Kyung hesitated, then shook his head. "I ate," he says. "But I threw it all up." He leaned back, letting Jiho hold him around the waist, then swung his legs back into Jiho's lap, resting his head against his shoulder.

"It's gonna be okay," Jiho said. He wasn't sure what else to do.

"I hope so," Kyung said.

"We can wait till another time," Jiho said. "I don't wanna do anything you're not ready for."

"No," Kyung said, "I want to do this."

"Kyung, if I made things worse, I'd never forgive myself."

"You won't," Kyung said. "You've already helped me so much."

"I feel guilty every time we do this," Jiho said. "You look so scared when we get close. Half the time, you don't even seem to know it's me."

"Don't say that," Kyung whispered. "I'm not scared of you, Jiho. I always know it's you." He put his arms around Jiho's neck and hugged him tight. "Being with you helps me. You make new memories."

"Are those memories good?" Jiho asked. "Or just better than the ones with him?"

Kyung buried his face in Jiho's neck. "Don't ask me that."

"I need to know, Kyungie."

Kyung didn't reply right away. Jiho didn't expect him to. He kept stroking Kyung's hair, rubbing his back, trying to keep from crying at how thin he was. Jiho could fit his hands around the boy's waist if he wanted to. This explained why Kyung had started wearing large, baggy clothing, lots of layers even indoors, even when he was so warm that his face was tomato-red. It had started two weeks ago. How much food had Kyung been able to keep down since then?

"Some of it's good," Kyung said. His voice was shaky, and a little rough around the edges. "Some of it's really good, Jiho. The best moments in my life, I've spent with you." Jiho felt the tear from Kyung's cheek drip onto his shoulder and held him closer, rocking him back and forth gently, like a child. "But sometimes it hurts too much. And I don't want to tell you because... Because I don't wanna let you down..."

"Oh... Oh, Kyungie." There was nothing else Jiho could say. He wanted to kiss him, to show him his love, to tell him it would be alright. But would the kiss make things even worse?

"I tried telling you," Kyung said. "But it always came out wrong. So I just gave up."

"How many times did this happen?" Jiho asked.

"I don't know," Kyung said. "A lot."

"God, I'm so stupid," Jiho said. "That's what you were trying to tell me last time, wasn't it? And I didn't figure it out."

"Yeah," Kyung said.

"Kyung, listen to me for a moment." Jiho turned Kyung around in his lap, lacing his hands together behind Kyung's back to support him. "Are you listening?"

Kyung nodded, fidgeting with one curl of his blond hair and not meeting Jiho's eyes.

"Don't ever let me do that to you again," Jiho said. "I mean it. If you don't want to do something, tell me, so we can stop right away."

"I don't want to disappoint you," Kyung mumbled.

"You won't disappoint me," Jiho said. "I can handle it. Your comfort is way more important to me."

"And what if I don't wanna do it for months?" Kyung asked. He was only looking more and more defeated. "What happens then? Will you just go off with Yukwon when I'm not looking?"

Jiho froze. It was like a block of ice had dropped into his stomach. "What do you mean by that?" he whispered.

"I see the way you look at him," Kyung said. "When I've been particularly disappointing. You always stare at him the next day. Like you wish he was your boyfriend, instead of me."

"Kyung, no," Jiho said. "No. That's not even--"

"Spare me," Kyung said, looking sick. "Jiho, I don't wanna talk anymore. Let's just do it and get it over with."

"I'm not going to have sex with you just to get it over with," Jiho said. His voice cracked a little as he spoke.

"Then why are you here?" Kyung demanded. When Jiho didn't respond right away, he made a noise of disgust and pushed himself off the bed, and walked over to his dresser. "Get out of my room."

"I'm sorry." Jiho grabbed his t-shirt and pulled it back on, before pushing his way out of the dorm room and out into the hall. He walked quickly back to his studio, then shut the door behind him and threw himself down into his chair. He rolled up to the desk and started clicking open random folders on his desktop. He couldn't see the screen through his tears.

How could he have been so stupid? What was wrong with him? He'd been so self-absorbed that he'd completely disregarded Kyung's feelings. Not once, but often. He thought back through all the times they'd been intimate these past few months. As far as he could remember, every time Kyung seemed to want it. Begged for it, even. There were many times when Jiho himself was distracted and distant, thinking about work, and Kyung had coaxed him back to reality with a few caresses, gentle but hungry. Was that all to keep from being disappointing? How much had Kyung given, that Jiho had taken without a second thought for what it was doing to him?

He clenched his fist so hard his knuckles turned white. And now he'd fucked up. Really fucked up, this time.

Was Kyung going to break up with him?

The thought was terrifying. And yet it seemed inevitable. The disgust on Kyung's face when Jiho had left the room. The accusations of cheating with Yukwon. The mistrust, the broken promises.

With great difficulty Jiho stood up and walked over to his phone where it lay in the middle of his pillow. He opened the chat with Kyung - the one he'd cheesily nicknamed "cotton candy." His stomach churned at the sight of the texts from earlier. Kyung's message "yes please" with the suggestive emojis. All fake. All an act. Jiho hovered his thumb over the text pad, then changed his mind and angrily swiped it shut, dropping his phone back on the bed.

He heard Kyung's sob through the thin walls of the dorm. Jiho pressed his hands to his face and tried to block the sound from his mind. It was all he could hear. Kyung sounded so small when he cried. So helpless, and afraid. Jiho hadn't heard Kyung cry like this in years. He had always been quite prone to meltdowns, but this was different. This time, it hit Jiho like a punch to the gut, leaving him stunned, out of breath. The pain in Kyung's sobs seemed to tear right through his chest.

He had to go. He had to say sorry, make things up to him. He couldn't bear to hear Kyung like this.


	2. Chapter 2

When he knocked on Kyung's door again, the sobs cut off so suddenly that Jiho wondered for a moment if he'd imagined them entirely. When Kyung responded, his voice was clear. "Jiho, go away."

"I came to say sorry," Jiho said.

"I don't want your apology. Go away."

Jiho struggled for a moment. Wondering if he should push the issue. If he did, he was likely to make Kyung angry. Furious, even, or scared. But if he left him alone, Kyung would simply assume he didn't care. And that was the last thing he wanted to happen.

"Kyung, please," he said. "Just hear me out. I wanna make things right."

"Then fucking  _listen_ to me!"

Jiho took an involuntary step back. He could hear Kyung start to cry again. The next words were so thick with tears, they were almost unintelligible.

"You're such a child, Jiho. You can't just say sorry and expect me to forgive you. Do you know how many times I've - I've been just unable to sleep because I can't figure out how to keep you satisfied? And I never feel good enough because the moment I don't measure up, you start looking at other men. Yukwon and I used to be best friends. And now we hardly ever talk because I'm so fucking jealous. I'm sick of it."

"Kyung, I -"

"I don't want to hear it," Kyung interrupted. "God, you can't even understand what 'no' means. I'm done. I'm so done."

Jiho pressed his forehead to the door, gritting his teeth to hold back the biting retort that had snuck into his mind. The very fact that he thought those words made him sick. He took a deep breath, let it out slowly through his clenched jaws.

"I'm always here to listen," he said. It sounded stupid the moment it left his mouth.

Kyung didn't answer. Jiho dragged his hands down his face. He turned around and walked back to his bedroom. Slammed the door. Threw himself down on his bed, so hard the box spring squealed. He surfed through his phone for a few minutes before climbing out of bed and siting back down at his desk.  _Just keep working._  That would get his mind off things.

Jiho didn't realize that he'd fallen asleep at his desk until the faraway opening and closing of a door shook him awake. He looked around the room groggily. Night had fallen. His bedroom was dark, except for the pale blue light of the computer screen.

Jiho closed his project and made his way into the hallway, into the common room where Jaehyo and Yukwon were sitting on one of the sofas. Jaehyo was fishing through his dozen shopping bags, showcasing outfit after outfit for Minhyuk, who sat across from him looking at his phone and paying no attention whatsoever.

The three of them looked up when Jiho entered the room.

"Yo," Jiho said.

"Jiho, what do you think of this one?" Jaehyo asked. He held up a leather jacket. The front was studded with shiny metal grommets. "I'd look good in it, huh?"

Jiho shrugged. He passed by them and went into the kitchen to search in the fridge. There was silence behind him, then three sets of footsteps approached. Jiho snatched a beer from the fridge and turned around. The three men had made a ring around him, trapping him against the counter.

"What's goin on?" Yukwon asked.

"Nothing," Jiho said, trying to smile it off. "Just tired."

"Kyung was crying when we came home," Jaehyo said.

"And you're not in there with him," Minhyuk said. He had stopped looking at his phone. That was a bad sign.

"He needed some alone time," Jiho said with a shrug.

"You had a fight again, didn't ya?" Yukwon said.

Jiho cracked open his beer. There was no point trying to hide anything from these people. They were like wolves. They could smell his weakness.

"Yeah," Jiho said.

"Whatever it is, you two had better settle it before we fly out," Yukwon said. "We can't have you in the middle of it while we're on tour."

"I know," Jiho snapped. "I'm working on it." He took a swig at his beer. Jaehyo snatched it from his hand before Jiho could get more than a drop.

"Yeah, how about you not get drunk?" Jaehyo said.

"I'm not getting drunk," Jiho said. He swiped at Jaehyo's hand, but missed as he handed the beer off to Minhyuk, who set it as far from Jiho as he could, still keeping him cornered against the fridge. "Seriously," Jiho said, "I'm getting just enough to calm down."

"If you talk to him drunk," Minhyuk said softly, "he'll break up with you before you can say his name."

Jiho tapped his fingers against his thigh, looking between his three friends, trying to decide if it was worth it to tell them that it was his business and that he would take care of it. He decided against the idea.

"Fine," Jiho said. "But he told me to leave him alone."

"He asked me where you were when I came to check on him," Jaehyo said.

"He did?" Jiho scrutinized him, wondering if he was telling the truth. Not like there was anything for him to gain from lying.

"Just go," Yukwon said.

"I'll turn the TV on really loud," Minhyuk said, "so you can have some privacy."

"Thanks," Jiho said reluctantly. They let him through. Yukwon slapped him on the back as he passed, so hard that Jiho almost choked.

At Kyung's door Jiho stopped, remembering the conversation from earlier. People had said similar things to him before, but for them to come from Kyung... It hurt so much more. He would put that hurt aside, for now, knowing that Kyung's pain was so much worse.

Jiho knocked on the door. There was no answer. He knocked again, then turned the doorknob and slipped inside.

The lights were off. The yellow glow of the hallway cut a path through the darkness and illuminated Kyung's bed. Kyung lay there, wrapped up in his blankets with his face in his pillow, curled up so small that he barely took up any room at all. His eyes were closed. The mascara had run, the eyeliner smudged. He had cried for a long time.

Jiho closed the door behind him and tiptoed over to the bed. He hesitated, then pulled the covers up over Kyung's bare shoulder. Kyung mumbled something inaudible and rolled over onto his back, letting the pillow fall back to the bed.

"I love you," Jiho whispered. "I'm so sorry, Kyungie."

When Kyung still didn't open his eyes, Jiho let out a long sigh and walked back to the door. On the way he paused to straighten a few books on the shelf. Then he closed the files on Kyung's computer, and turned it off. The room sounded oddly quiet without its fan whirring in the background.

"Jiho."

Heart pounding, Jiho turned around. Kyung had pushed himself into a sitting position. The blankets had fallen off his shoulders entirely, leaving his chest bare. So pale. So beautiful.

"I'm sorry," Jiho said. He didn't know what else to do.

"Come here," Kyung whispered. He motioned Jiho to sit on the bed beside him, and with a little hesitation, Jiho did. They sat there in silence for a long while. Not speaking. Not moving.

When they finally broke the silence, they did so simultaneously.

Kyung said, "I'm so sorry for -" at the same time as Jiho said, "I should have listened -"

They both stopped, looked at each other.

"You first," Jiho said.

"I didn't mean what I said," Kyung whispered. "It was unfair. I regretted it as soon as I said it."

"No," Jiho said, "I needed someone to tell me that."

Kyung shook his head violently. "It was a horrible thing to say. Nobody deserves that."

"I do," Jiho said. "I didn't listen. I didn't respect you. I'm sorry." He ran a hand through his hair. His muscles were so tense that he was practically shaking. "I can't figure out how to tell you how sorry I am."

Kyung fell silent. When Jiho glanced at him, their eyes met, and Kyung flicked a sad smile.

"I know a way," he said.

"Not if you don't want to," Jiho said.

"I want to," Kyung said. "I'm sure, Jiho."

"You promise?"

"Promise." Kyung slipped off the bed and moved over to lock the door. He scrubbed his face clean with his t-shirt, which had been hanging on his chair, then tiptoed back over and climbed into Jiho's lap.

For a long time, Kyung just hugged him, and Jiho hugged him back, feeling Kyung's heartbeat against his own. Kyung cried a little. Jiho kissed the tears from his cheeks and hugged him tighter. Neither of them spoke. There was no need; Kyung's body was poetry enough.

When Kyung kissed his lips, Jiho was careful not to push back too hard. He let Kyung do most of the work. Have the most control. It was strange. But relaxing, somehow. Kyung kept things moving, but slowly, far more slowly than they had in years. Since their first time. It was like they were teenagers again. Young, innocent. So madly in love that every waking moment was painfully, scarily beautiful.

Kyung held Jiho's waist in his hands. His fingers were cold. His whole body seemed cold. Jiho told him that.

"Warm me up, Jiho," Kyung murmured.

"Are you sure?" Jiho asked again.

"Yes," Kyung said. "Love me. Hold me."

The sound from the TV came muffled through Kyung's door.

"Are we going all the way?" Jiho asked.

"We'll see," Kyung said, a smile sneaking into his voice. "Wait - let me get the music."

He twisted over under Jiho, reached for his phone. The speakers on his desktop started playing a soft, slow piano ballad. Memories hit Jiho in a rush. Warm summer nights, under the cherry trees in the park. Kyung's graduation. Weekend road trips across the city, driving till the city lights sparkled, turning the darkness into a glittering, mysterious wonderland. Their first kiss.

Every song that come on was one from their childhood. It started slow, so slow and almost sad. Kyung hummed along softly as Jiho kissed him, his hands sliding up Jiho's back and into his hair. The music flowed so naturally, the tempo picking up just slightly with each song as Jiho's kisses left Kyung's face. He took Kyung's hand, kissed his palm. The kisses moved up his arm. To his shoulder. Across his chest.

"This is a good playlist," Jiho said, stopping to look Kyung in the face again. "You'll have to send it to me."

Kyung smiled. "Nope," he said. "This is for us. You can't listen by yourself."

"I'm gonna have to come over more often, then."

His lips moved across Kyung's stomach. Kyung giggled, squirming beneath him. Jiho let up on him just long enough for him to catch his breath. The music was speeding up. Jiho pressed his mouth to Kyung's hipbone, biting down softly, and Kyung wove his fingers tighter into Jiho's hair.

Jiho's shirt came off. He sat back just enough to unbutton Kyung's jeans, slowly pull the zipper down. After a bit of a struggle, the jeans dropped to the floor. Kyung was laughing again, but it didn't ruin the mood, it never did. "You're so clumsy," he said. "Even after all this time."

"I'm just nervous," Jiho said. "It's like losing my virginity all over again."

"Five years and it still feels like your first time?" Kyung smiled. "I must be good."

"You are," Jiho said.

The next song that came on was the one they had first kissed to. They'd been sharing earbuds. Fifteen years had seemed so old then.

Jiho kissed the front of Kyung's boxers, just barely touching him. It was enough to make Kyung sigh happily.

"Are you ready?" Jiho asked.

"I'm nervous," Kyung said.

"I can stop," Jiho said.

"Don't," Kyung said. "It's our song."

Jiho kissed the same spot, more firmly this time, and then slipped his fingers under the waistband of Kyung's boxers and pulled them off. As the song passed into the second verse, Jiho ran two fingers down Kyung's length, drawing out a low moan. His touch traced the path of every throbbing vein. He held him still, lazily massaging the pad of his thumb into his tip, occasionally blowing a puff of air onto his skin as it grew wet. Kyung shuddered, head tipping back, his body melting. Then, the last chorus came. Jiho took Kyung into his mouth.

Kyung's fingernails pressed into his scalp. He rolled his hips forward and Jiho had to pull back to keep from choking. Kyung said his name. Quietly at first, then louder and louder until with one hand Jiho reached for the phone and thumbed up the volume so they'd have less chance of being heard. Kyung reached for it a second later, turned it back down. They wrestled with it for a moment before Jiho finally took hold of Kyung's hand and laced their fingers tight together. He stroked the back of Kyung's hand.

"Jiho," Kyung said, and then, "Oh,  _Zico_." He pressed his free hand to the back of Jiho's head, tugging at his hair, holding him close. "Zico... You're so soft. So hot..." He stifled another giggle. Said some more things, as Jiho worked him harder. Things Jiho had never heard him say. Dirty things. In short bursts, like lines of poetry.

He let go of Kyung's hand and grabbed onto his hips, pushing him harder against the bed, then began exploring his skin with his tongue. Pulled off with an obscene slurp, took Kyung's thigh and draped it over his shoulder, tipping his head to one side and getting a new angle. Kyung's moans went higher and higher.

"Come on, Jiho," he said between ragged breaths. "Oh God... Oh  _fuck_..."

Kyung held on far longer than Jiho had expected. Far longer than he ever had. Jiho actually started to wonder whether he was doing something wrong - only for a moment, though. And then Kyung gave one last cry of painful delight. And it was over.

Jiho lingered, waiting till Kyung collapsed back against the bed, pulling out of his mouth. Jiho gave him a final kiss before stretching out and laying his head on Kyung's chest.

"Was that a good enough apology?" he murmured.

Kyung hummed to himself, then said, in that mischievous voice, "Unsatisfactory."

"Fuck this," Jiho said. "I heard you, Kyungie. Been a long time since you've made so much noise."

"Been a long time since you've sucked that hard," Kyung said with a grin.

"I think the boys heard you," Jiho said. "They turned up the TV."

"They're adults," Kyung said. "They'll get over it."

"They're still not over Tae screaming in Jihoon's bedroom."

"Nobody's over that, Jiho."

The playlist ended. Kyung flipped on his side, cuddling closer, and Jiho wrapped him up in his arms.

"Are you warm now?" Jiho whispered in his ear.

Kyung nodded, then grinned up at him. "Almost my turn for an apology," he said.

"Is that what we're calling it now?" Jiho said.

"Just for tonight," Kyung said. His hands slid down Jiho's back, tugged at his waistband, then slipped down the back of his pants. Jiho yelped as Kyung's icy fingers touched his skin.

"God, Kyungie. I thought you said you were warm." He grabbed Kyung's wrists, pulled his hands back out. "You can touch my ass when your hands are properly heated."

"How else am I supposed to warm them?" Kyung asked with a pout.

Jiho guides Kyung's hands into his back pockets instead. "Like this."

Kyung nuzzled his head against Jiho's chest. "I love you, Jiho-yah."

Jiho kissed the top of his head. "I love you more."

"Shut up." Kyung wriggled down, kissed his belly, then, with his hands still in Jiho's back pockets, unbuttoned Jiho's pants with his teeth. "Ooh, look how talented I am. Restart the playlist, Jiho."

~

Kyung was always slow to get up the next morning. But today, especially so. Jiho tried to get up once, when he realized it was almost nine, but Kyung grabbed him and pulled him back, throwing one leg over him to hold him still. Jiho didn't mind, really. He flipped through his phone, answering texts and emails. He took a couple selfies, with Kyung drooling happily onto his shoulder.

It was almost ten before he noticed the texts from Yukwon. They were dated from various points last night, while he and Kyung had been busy.

_Guess you guys made up?_

_Holy fuck. Really made up._

_Can you at least be a little quieter?_

_No?_

_Damn, tomorrow is gonna be hella awkward. At least he's not mad at you anymore. Or is he?_

_Even Taeil didn't make this much noise_.

Jiho snorted, then sent Yukwon a dozen middle finger emojis and flicked the chat shut. He glanced over his shoulder at Kyung. Only to find Kyung watching him with that toothy smile, blinking drowsily.

"More noisy than Taeil," he mumbled, nibbling on Jiho's ear. "You deserve a medal."

"Spying on me again?" Jiho asked.

"Guess you'll have to punish me," Kyung said, and batted his eyelashes.

"Too early," Jiho grumbled.

"We don't have anything to do today."

"I always have things to do," Jiho said.

"Do me first," Kyung said.

Jiho opened his mouth to protest. Then closed it. Then opened it again.

"I guess I can move you to the top of the list," he said.

Kyung made a happy noise and kissed the back of Jiho's neck. "That's my boy."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, neoguri here, thanks for reading and hoped you enjoyed~ I also hope every one of you Zico stans gets an "apology" from him someday lol jk jk  
> anyway, time to go erase my mental hard drive and never think about this again lmao


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